English middle class can’t do without….

2014
01.11
Outnumbered  

 

Earl Grey, Coldplay, skiing in Verbier, latte, yay!

British Airways, fair trade, Mark Warner holidays,

BUPA, brunch, credit crunch, meet for lunch,

Amazon, camping at Whitsun, Cath Kidston,

Wimbledon, Classic FM, house prices sliding again,

farmers’ market, comparethemarket.com,

cookery class, hoping for 11+ pass,

organic, balsamic, colonic,

brogues, Waterstones, massive bank loans,

rock concerts at stately homes,

Ocado will deliver, regatta on the river,

coulis, Mary Berry, Rescue Remedy, a borrowed nanny,

yummy mummy, conservatory, De’Longhi, Audi,

suburbia, focaccia, AGA, Wagamama,

Prada bag (quality fake), ‘Anyone for a cupcake?’

The National Trust, veggy box delivery a must,

homemade brownies (without nuts), beach huts,

Waitrose, Apple, Kindle, pension funds that dwindle,

food provenance, tolerance, antioxidants,

Jeremy Clarkson’s rants,

Fired Earth, faux fur, acupuncture,

bright red cords, cricket at Lord’s,

au pair, House & Garden Christmas Fair,

artisan bread, SMEG, quails’ eggs,

car-mounted cycle rack, Green & Black’s chocs, Crocs,

arnica, gap year, book group, home-made soup,

golf club, bay trees in tubs, Outnumbered,

Farrow & Ball, lifestyle-threatening FTSE fall,

cashmere sweater, composter, Air Miles collector,

dining al fresco, Volvo, VW, Bugaboo,

divorced dads taking kids to the zoo,

can’t afford anything at the private view,

gas-powered barbeque, Pellegrino, hand-written thank you

black and white studio photo, the beach at Padstow,

‘Do sign the guest book before you go.’

mortgaged to the hilt, one eighth Scottish so wearing a kilt,

leased 4 x 4, Amtico floor, BBC Radio 4,

marquee wedding reception, tour of the new house extension,

smug self-congratulations,

Italian delicatessens, tennis lessons, the Middletons,

Toyota Prius, Pimm’s, Phoenix cards, Pret,

LK Bennett, no more Child Benefit, owning holiday lets,

competitive parenting, take off shoes before coming in,

antibacterial hand cleanse, having black friends,

yoga, gym or swim? Dukan diet, Darling!

overdrawn, sprinkle the lawn,

Tesco’s Finest, theatre tickets, Daddy’s playing cricket,

My Family, sushi, scraping together the school fees, cosmetic dentistry,

arts degrees, winging it financially, gîte In Normandy,

 wasabi peas, Pilates, G&T, Twickenham for the rugby,

switching utilities, on charity committee,

champagne socialist or conservative voter?

time to gossip on the church flower rota.

free range, ‘What climate change?’

no problem with burkas,

condescending to migrant workers,

recycling, commuting, National Hunt racing,

rare-breed sausages, Joules, Hunter wellies,

micro brewery ale,

don’t have my size in the Boden sale,

Nigella, Barbour, ‘Pretentious, moi?’ love Nordic TV drama,

cooked from Rick Stein, large glass of wine, listen to Jeremy Vine,

bag for life, ‘Mwwahh’ air kiss, John Lewis,

salsa class, Daily Telegraph, Great British Bake off,

Have I Got News for You makes us laugh,

stylish hats to wear to the races,

Thomas Pink shirts with flamboyant braces,

solar panels, Spaniels,

Breaking Bad, switching debt to 0% credit card,

Granny will pay because times are hard,

Facebook users, Budget losers,

M&S, the economy’s in a mess,

pashmina, elderflower, home tutor, ride-on mower,

fingers crossed the base rate goes lower.



©   Annie Harrison.Extracted from, ebook The Oddball English.  Not to be reproduced without permission from the author.

OEfrontcover reduced (375 x 600)


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