Ant – I want. Ant chips, ant money, ant work, ant to win X Factor.
Ayer-powt – the holiday starts and ends here if the flight isn’t overbooked and you haven’t forgotten your parse-powt.
Alma chizzit? – a request to establish the cost of an item. ‘Alma chizzit for a taxi to the ayer-powt?’
Amant – a quantity of something. ‘Kev bowt a large amant of gold on his trip to Doo-boy.’ (Dubai).
Annuva – additional.
Arf panda – a large hamburger.
Art attack – freaked out, as in ‘Don’t show this to Dave. He’ll ‘ave a art attack.’
Arskt – enquired. ‘Oi arskt ya to put mushy peas wiv me chips, not on the bloody fings.’
Awss – a four–legged animal ridden by jockeys in races.
Ass – a domestic building in which people live.
Ass band – forced to stay at home by the rain, when ill or unemployed.
Bannsa – a person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club. ‘Mike’s gone got izself a job as a bannsa.’
Barf – large plastic container filled with hot water in which a person ‘baves.’ Usually sited in the barf room.
Boaf – the two. ‘Oi Kevin, ooja fancy most, Tracy or Sharon?’ ‘Whoa! Boaf of em!’
Brought – purchased. ‘Mick’s brought a new ass.’
Burf-dye – a celebration on the date of one’s birth. ‘Appy burf-dye to yer.’
Cancel – the administrative body within a town looking after the interests of its residents. ‘Oh me gawd Daryl, wive ad annuvva letta from the cancel.’
Cantafit – fake, as in money, watches, perfume, DVDs, sports clothing.
Choona – tinned fish.
Caught a panda – small hamburger (not as big as a arf panda).
C’nav – a request: ‘C’nav some vin’gar on me chips?’
Danstez – not upstairs.
Door-a – daughter.
Drekkun – what do you think? As in ‘How many vodkas drekkun it’ll take before Darren pukes?’
Droive – operate or control a vehicle. ‘If you’re droivin’ over to Kelly’s ass, c’nav a lift?’
Erz – belonging to her.
Eye-eels – high heels.
Eyebrow – cultured, intellectual, highbrow.
Excape – get free from something.
Faazund – thousand.
Farva – a posh way to say Dad.
Fatcha – a reference to former prime minister, Margaret Thatcher.
Faye-fool – firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty. ‘Oi’d nevva cheat on yer darlin.’ Oil always be faye-fool, ‘cos I luv yer.’
Fank – thank.
Fing – thing.
Fink – thought process.
Fort – past tense of fink.
Froget – fail to remember. ‘Don’t froget, ant a caught a panda not a arf panda.’
Frew – in one side and out the other, or, propelled through the air. ‘Who frew a cricket ball frew the winda?’
Garridje – a building where a car is kept or repaired.
Gawon – go on. ‘Gawon Kevin, eat yer granny’s cabbage, it’ll do yer good.’
Haitch – the eighth letter of the alphabet.
Int – indirect suggestion. ‘I gave Tony a sort of int that it was time for him to take a barf.’
Ja – do you, did you. ‘Ja like me new eye-eels, Tiffany?’
Jafta – is it really necessary? ‘Oi mate, jafta keep doin’ vat?’
Kaf – eating house open during the day.
Lad – noisy. ‘Jordan, turn that music dan. It’s too lad.’
Laafe – what you lead if you’re not dead. ‘Nan’s very ill. She’s got, doctors, nurses, laafe-suppowt and stuff at her ass.’
Lafarjik – lacking energy.
Leev it aht – to put something outside, or, stop it; don’t; no-way. ‘Oi Britney! Leev it aht, will ya? I know yer muvva wants us to set a date, but stop goin’ on abaat it.’
Levva – material made from the skin of an animal.
Lotree – Costs £1 for a ticket to become a millionaire.
Maffs – the study of numbers.
Mass – a small cheese-eating rodent with a long tail.
Mill – food. Mickey was ‘ungry so he ordered a free cawss mill.
Munf – there are 12 munfs in the calendar year.
Muvva – a posh way to say Mum.
Narra – lacking breadth, with little margin. ‘Mum wonnid to come rand but changed ‘er mind. That was a narra excape.’
Nartameen – do you know what I mean? ‘Be careful. Tasha’s farva is roofless. Nartameen?’
Neeva – not one, nor the other. ‘Did yer go back to Sharon’s ass or Tracy’s?’ ‘Neeva.’
Nevva – did not: ‘I nevva saw nuffink.’
New-cular pa – nuclear power.
Nowls – nails.
Nuffink – zilch.
Oaf – a solemn declaration of truth or commitment.
Oi – either first person singular, ‘Oi fink new-cular pa is a bad fing.’ Or a warning, ‘Oi! Leev it aaht! Vat’s me beer yer drinkin!’
Olladay – time taken away from home for rest and adventure.
Onnist – fair and just, without a lie. ‘I never did it, onnist.’
Ospi-dewl – where the sick are cared for.
Ov cawss – of course.
Pacific – specific.
Pa-fool – having much power or strength.
Paipa – tabloid news.
Pans an annsis – imperial weight system. ‘Vis diet aint workin.’ I’ve put on 4 pans and 6 annsis since last munf.’ (Pounds and ounces).
Pitcher – art. Kevin hung the baseball pitcher he’d picked up in Brooklyn above his bed.
Plammans – a traditional pub lunch of cheese, pickle and bread.
Prada – proud of. ‘Ov caws I’m prada yer.’
Rand – circular, or a number of drinks purchased for a group in a pub.
Randeer – locally. ‘There ain’t much suppowt for a new sports grand randeer. Everyone’s feeling lafarjik.’
Reband – period of recovery after rejection by a lover. ‘Oi woz desp’rat. Oi woz on the reband from Jason.’
Roofless – without compassion.
Sand – noise vibrations. ‘Oi don’t like the sand of vat.’
Saan-widje – a filling between two slices of bread.
Sarf – a direction of the compass, opposite to norf.
Saw-tid – fixed, resolved, arranged, done. ‘It’s all saw-tid. Dinner at the kaf ta-morra, and ven we’ll droive to the ospi-dewl to see Nan.’
Seevin – very angry. ‘I woz seevin when I got the letta from the cancel.’
Shaat – loud voice. ‘No need to shaat. I’m standin’ right next to yer.’
Ships – deep fried potato sticks served with fish.
Sir Vezza – Spanish for beer.
Ta-morra – the day following today.
Tan ass – a modern terraced house.
Teef – a set of hard, bonelike structures rooted in sockets in the jaws.
Tra-ziz – an outer garment for covering each leg from the waist to the ankles.
Toma-a – red vegetable used in ketchup.
Vat – that.
Ven – then.
Viss – this.
Wanned up – manual winding of a timepiece, or tension in a person. ‘I’m all wanned up at the moment.’
Wawazat? – excuse me? ‘Wawazat? Who scored the winnin’ goal?’
Webbats – requesting the location of something. ‘Oi, Stacey, webbats you put me lotree ticket? I fink I’ve got a winner.’
Will – wheel. Terry grabbed the will and avoided death.
Wevva – the state of the atmosphere, or, expressing doubt or choice between alternatives. ‘On olladay, the wevva was so bad we were ass band.’ Or, ‘Del couldn’t decide wevva to ‘ave choona or ships in his saan-wije.’
Winda – a glass-filled opening between the inside and outside of a building. ‘Shut the winda. Everyone can hear yer shaating.’
Wiv – accompanying. ‘D’you want ships wiv yer caught a panda?’
Wonnid – needed, requested. ‘Oi wonnid to know if Baz was in, so oi tapped on the winda.’
Wor-a-fantin – A jet of water for drinking or a garden ornament. ‘Someone nicked the gnomes by the wor-a-fantin in Dot’s gardin.’
Woyn – Alcoholic drink made from fermented grapes, bottled with a screw-top. ‘Oi Paula, webbats you put the woyt woyn? Oi wonnid to take it over to Muvva’s for her burf-dye ta-morra.’
Yoof – teenager. ‘Terry’s Mum looks very yoof-ful.’
Zajerate – to suggest something is better or bigger than is really is. ‘Craig, I must’ve told ya a fazzund times already, don’t zajerate.’
Yes, some people really do speak like this, still.
Extracted from The Oddball English by Annie Harrison.